To Have and to Hold Page 32

  “I can’t believe I’m saying this.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “More serious than I’ve ever been about anything in my life.”

  “Emily, I love you.”

  “I know. And I love you too, which is why I’m giving you my blessing. You deserve him. He wasn’t right for me but he’s lovely. Just make sure I’m the maid of honor at your wedding.”

  Alice snorts. “Oh, shut up.”

  “And what kind of way is that to talk to your best friend?”

  Alice spends the rest of the evening mulling over what Emily has said. In some ways she can see her point. Harry and she do have so much in common, and yes, she certainly finds him attractive, but there’s no way she’s ready for a relationship, not with Harry, not with anyone.

  She needs time to heal. She needs time to adjust to being single again. She needs to get used to not being a married woman, to being a divorcée. (The very thought of the word makes her shudder.)

  Alice walks upstairs and takes The Winding Road to bed, finally managing to finish the book in the early hours of the morning. She lies for a while, staring up at the dark ceiling as she thinks about Rachel Danbury, how she must have felt, and how bizarre that Alice’s own life so closely echoes that of the writer in whose house she now lives.

  She’s more surprised that Rachel continued to live in this same house, even while she was unhappy, because this house has woven a spell around Alice, has wrapped her in its warmth and love, and if Alice didn’t know better, she would have said the only memories the house had held were good ones.

  Perhaps Alice was meant to come and live here. Perhaps Alice is the one who was supposed to right the wrongs Rachel Danbury wasn’t able to, and as she lies in bed Alice thanks the stars she didn’t become Rachel Danbury, lying awake night after night, knowing that Joe was downstairs sending e-mails, planning trysts with God knows how many lovers. Thank God she found out and had the strength to end it.

  Alice reaches over to switch off the light and falls into a deep, dreamless sleep.

  31

  Snoop wakes Alice up with a start. Barking furiously, he jumps off the bed and tumbles down the stairs, leaping up and down by the side door.

  Alice calls out to quiet him and eventually pulls a robe over her T-shirt and goes to see what all the fuss is about. As she walks toward the door she sees Harry, peering in through the glass.

  “Morning,” he smiles, as if he had seen Alice only yesterday, and he pushes past her with a brown paper bag and a cardboard tray containing two cups of steaming coffee, setting them down on the table. “I’ve brought breakfast.”

  “I can see.” Alice, fast asleep less than a few minutes ago, is now wide awake. “And nice to see you too, Harry.” Harry is already sitting at the table, pulling fresh bagels and muffins out of the bag. “Do sit down,” Alice says with a hint of sarcasm as Harry winces.

  “Okay.” He stands up and bows his head in apology. “I didn’t want this to be awkward so I’m trying to be natural, but clearly I’ve gone to the other extreme and am being completely overfamiliar.”

  “Just a touch,” Alice smiles, but she approaches the table, drawn by the smell of freshly baked bread, and pulls out the chair opposite Harry. “But it’s okay,” she says, gesturing for him to sit down again, which he does. “It’s a lovely surprise. I wish I could tell you that I didn’t know you were here, but James told me on the weekend. Why haven’t you been to see me?”

  Harry looks embarrassed. “I feel very stupid. James told me he’d told you, and then I saw you pull up outside yesterday, and I realized how ridiculous it was that I was here and hadn’t seen you. To be honest, I was embarrassed after what happened.” He looks up and meets her eyes, and Alice looks away first.

  “You didn’t have to be embarrassed,” she says eventually.

  “Well . . . anyway, I didn’t want to impose. And then I’d heard about you and Joe, and I didn’t know what to say or whether you’d want to see me, so I figured I’d better stay away.”

  “Until this morning?”

  “Well, after I saw you yesterday I just realized how silly I was being.”

  “So here you are. May I?” Alice picks a banana nut muffin and takes a big bite.

  “Of course. So here I am.”

  “Mmm. This is delicious.” Alice finishes her mouthful then takes a sip of coffee. “But I still have to ask, what on earth are you doing here? In America, I mean, not here, this morning, obviously.”

  Harry shrugs. “James’s offer seemed too good to turn down.”

  “But I didn’t think he was serious when he made it. God knows most of us were shit-faced at that party.”

  Harry grins. “Speak for yourself.”

  “I’ll speak for you too if you don’t mind.”

  “I don’t mind.”

  “Good. So are you enjoying it? Do you like it here? Shit! I still can’t believe you’ve been here for weeks and you didn’t get in touch.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. And the answer to your question is yes. I love it here. I’m having a great time.”

  Alice shakes her head. “But I can’t believe I didn’t know, I can’t believe no one told me.”

  “James told you.”

  “I suppose so. I still think it’s very peculiar.” She peers at him. “Actually I think you’re rather peculiar for being so secretive.”

  Harry shrugs. “I have been called worse things in my time.”

  “I bet. And some by Emily, I would think.”

  Harry reddens ever so slightly. “Has she forgiven you? Are you still friends?”

  “Yes and yes. But it took a long time to get back to where we were. I think we’re back on track now.”

  “Good. You two were too close to let, well, that . . . you know . . . that night come between you.”

  “That’s what we thought.”

  “So did you tell her I was here?”

  “Yes.”

  Harry’s eyes widen in shock. “You did?”

  “Yup.”

  “What did she say?”

  “Ah.” Alice considers the possibility of telling Harry the truth. She gazes at him over the rim of her cardboard coffee cup and wonders how, in fifteen minutes, Harry can look as if he has always belonged here, can fill the kitchen, the house, with his personality. His jacket is thrown over the back of the chair, his long legs stretched out, ankles crossed, under the table, and he is happily chewing a sesame bagel.

  Could Emily be right? Alice thinks. Could Harry and I be destined to be together? No, that’s ridiculous. Alice might have believed in soul mates once upon a time, but no longer, and anyway, she’s not even divorced. The very last thing she needs is to be getting involved with someone else. Even someone as familiar and comfortable as Harry.

  Especially someone as familiar and comfortable as Harry.

  “I take it she wasn’t happy?” Harry prompts Alice.

  “No, actually, she was fine. Glad that you might have found your niche.”

  “Do you think she’d mind me seeing you?”

  “No. She said we ought to get together. She said we’d be . . . friends. We should be friends.”

  “She said that?”

  “Pretty much.”

  Harry raises his eyebrows. “I’m impressed. Does she have anyone?”

  “I think so.”

  “You think so?”

  Alice winces. “I’m not sure how much I’m supposed to say.”

  “Well, I’m glad. She deserves someone special.”

  “Rather than you?”

  Harry shrugs. “We just weren’t right for each other, that’s all.” He leans over and takes a second blueberry muffin.

  “Good Lord, are you going to eat your way through everything in the bag?” Alice laughs as she surveys the pile of food spilling out onto the bleached pine of the kitchen table.

  “I tell you, that gardening really gives you an appetite. Am I eating too much?”

  “Not
at all. It’s nice to see a man enjoying his food. Do you want some orange juice?”

  “Love some.”

  Alice pads over to the fridge in her bare feet, rewrapping her robe and tying it even more tightly as she stands with her back to Harry. She is acutely aware of her just-got-out-of-bed appearance, and she runs a hand through her curls as she reaches for the juice, hoping she doesn’t look as bad as she fears.

  She pours the juice for Harry then sits down. “So what time do you start work?”

  “Usually nine, but today’s my day off. I thought maybe we could do something, that is, if you’re not already doing anything.”

  “Oh. Well . . .” Alice tries to think what she had planned. She knows she has some errands to do and she’s supposed to be having coffee with Sandy, but nothing that couldn’t be postponed or rearranged. “I’m not doing anything important,” she says. “What did you have in mind?”

  “We could start with taking Snoop for a w-a-l-k.” Harry spells the word out as Alice starts to laugh, Snoop’s ears pricking up at the first letter, Snoop now leaping at Harry’s legs. “I don’t believe it,” Harry says. “Snoop can spell?”

  “Only a couple of words,” Alice grins. “He may be a genius, but he’s not that much of a genius.”

  “How about the b-e-a-c-h?”

  Snoop twirls in circles, whining deliriously.

  “Should I presume that’s his other word?”

  “You’d be presuming correctly.”

  Harry laughs. “So what about it? Do you want to go there?”

  “Sure. We could drive to the beach at Westport. Just let me go and get dressed.”

  Alice runs into the bathroom and is surprised to find herself smiling. She pulls her clothes off and jumps into the shower, then after toweling herself dry she scrapes her hair back into a ponytail and pulls on a thin pink sweater and a pair of faded jeans.

  She studies her face in the mirror, then rummages around in a drawer until she finds an old tube of lip gloss and coats her lips with a thin layer of pink. It looks pretty. And obvious. She grabs a tissue and smears it off. Why on earth, after all these months without makeup, is she suddenly putting on lip gloss?

  Why indeed.

  Minutes later a makeup-free Alice walks back downstairs, and the three of them—Alice, Harry, and Snoop—climb into her car and drive on to the Merritt Parkway, on their way to the beach at Westport.

  The beach is crowded with mothers and children, chairs and towels taking up almost every available inch, everyone trying to make the most of a summer that’s very nearly over.

  Alice keeps Snoop on the leash as they set off along the road that runs alongside the beach, turning to look at the sunlight on the waters off the sound, smiling as she surveys the scene.

  “It’s gorgeous, isn’t it?” Harry says, striding leisurely alongside her, watching her as she smiles.

  “You know, it’s ridiculous how much I love it here.” Alice turns to him. “I feel like I ought to be moping around my house feeling sorry for myself, especially now that I’m on my own, but every morning I wake up feeling as if the house and this place has cast a spell on me, and I’m not allowed to be miserable. I just can’t help smiling.”

  Ah. The forbidden subject. Harry’s ears prick up at Alice’s mention of now being on her own. He’s only heard secondhand gossip, and he didn’t think Alice would be ready or willing to talk about things, but then again, he didn’t expect to find Alice looking so happy.

  He had rather expected her to be desperately unhappy. He had ridiculous visions of taking care of her, being the one to bring her back to life, her knight in shining armor. He has gotten so used to his daydream of rescuing her, he’s slightly lost in this reality that is so far from his fantasy.

  But oh how good it is to see her again. After all these months of thinking about her. None of the women he has met during the past few months have held his interest in the way that Alice did—and does.

  He went out with some of them. Slept with a few of them and continued to see even fewer, but they just didn’t have the magic something that he knew Alice had.

  And God knows he’d tried not to think about her. He knew his fantasies were both unrealistic and unlikely ever to come to fruition, but when James sent him the e-mail saying one of the gardeners had left Sunup and they had a position should he be interested, how could he possibly refuse?

  Especially when the lease on his flat was up anyway, and there was little keeping him in London other than a few friends who were now married with babies and whom he rarely seemed to see anymore.

  He’d expected to see Alice weeks ago. His fantasies had changed from the sexual to the platonic—he had hoped they would become friends, that Joe would somehow disappear from the picture, and that he would step in as, well, as whatever Alice would want or need.

  But little did he think his fantasies would ever come true. And even less did he think he would be unhappy about it. Or perhaps unhappy is too strong a word. He had spent so many months imagining a scenario in which Alice and Joe would break up, he thought that should it ever happen, he would be delighted.

  And when James had come in that day and told him that apparently Alice had caught Joe with another woman and kicked him out, Harry had been so concerned about Alice it was all he could do not to drop everything and run to her house.

  Harry knew he couldn’t do that. He knew he had to wait for a while, see what happened, hope that she would come into the nursery, and take it from there.

  Yesterday, when he saw her in the car, his heart almost stopped with the familiarity of her face, and he knew he would have to see her, he couldn’t put it off any longer. James said he had mentioned it to her, and winked and told him he thought Alice would be glad to see him.

  And now here he is, walking next to the woman of his dreams, feeling more comfortable and relaxed with her than he has ever felt with any woman he has ever met, and she is no longer living with her husband, and for the first time in his life Harry thinks there may be a God after all.

  What can I tell you about Alice and Harry that you might not already know? I can’t tell you they live happily ever after because, as we all know, real life doesn’t happen like that, and anyway, that’s another book in itself.

  But I can tell you that they become more than friends. That Alice remembers exactly why she always liked Harry so much, and that the more time she spends with him the more she likes him, and that when, on New Year’s Eve, Harry and Alice find themselves in the garden again at Sally’s annual party, their kiss is much slower and sweeter than the previous year, and lovelier still now that neither of them has any guilt.

  Emily is thrilled that Harry and Alice have become friends, and knows that it will become more, but stops haranguing Alice after she tells her that the more Emily talks about it, the less interested she becomes. Not true, but it does the trick, and Emily stops teasing Alice and waits for the phone call when Alice will tell her the good news.

  Colin didn’t work out for Emily. It all went horribly wrong when Emily became pregnant and, knowing she wasn’t ready for a child, didn’t feel mature enough, or financially stable enough, or anything enough, had an abortion. It left her physically and emotionally drained, and although Colin stayed around for a few days, he phoned less and less after that, and always seemed to have an excuse as to why he couldn’t see her.

  For a while Emily was devastated. It became Alice’s turn to phone her every day, to check that she was coping, but Emily is nothing if not resilient, and soon she had thrown herself back into single life with a passion and was regaling Alice with stories of her latest dates.

  And Joe? Joe hasn’t quite managed to let Josie go. She is so clearly in love with him, and so good at looking after him, and even though she may still be known as a ball-breaker in the workplace, she is not nearly so strong or forceful in the home.

  In fact, Josie has filled Alice’s shoes in more ways than she could have imagined. She looks fantastic, she’
s eager to please Joe, and she’s so frightened of losing him she doesn’t question where he is or what he’s doing.

  Occasionally Joe feels guilty about the women he sleeps with, but not so guilty as to stop, and anyway, they have no bearing on his relationship with Josie. As long as she doesn’t know, how can it possibly hurt her, for Joe would never want to hurt Josie, just as he never wanted to hurt Alice.

  He was lucky with Alice. Lucky that she didn’t allow herself to be worn down by him, worn down by the lies until there was nothing left of her at all.

  Alice was lucky because she discovered her true self before it was too late. She rediscovered her dream and was able to live it.

  Right now it doesn’t look as if Josie’s going to be that lucky. Josie’s still trying to be everything that Joe wants her to be. Josie is, astonishingly, quite as malleable as Alice once was, and even more eager to please.

  Look at her now. Poor Josie. Lying in bed staring at the clock, watching the hour grow later and later, every muscle in her body tense as she waits for Joe to come home, already two hours later than he said.

  She is fighting not to call him. She wants so desperately to pick up the phone and call his mobile, but she still has a shred of dignity left, and she knows how furious he will be if she does, how he will say he needs a break for a few days, and she won’t be able to go through that again.

  As she lies there the knot in her stomach grows ever so slightly bigger, her self-esteem ever so slightly smaller, but it will take many more years before Josie is able to understand the damage Joe has caused, more still before she moves on to allow Joe to start living with the next Josie.

  Josie will eventually end up with Al, so there is a happy ending of sorts in store for her. He will make her happy, but she will always feel that there is something missing in her relationship with him. She will never feel that she is head over heels in love with him, but it will not be until she is in her late forties that she realizes that what she has with Al is enough, that the friendship and trust and ease she has with Al make her so much happier than the knife edge on which she was living during those years with Joe.