To Have and to Hold Read online

  “Emily, that’s sick. That’s all your stuff. You should go and see someone.”

  “Someone like a therapist?” Alice nods as Emily shakes her head with a shrug. “Nah, couldn’t afford it even if I wanted to.”

  “But, Em, you can’t possibly pass up what will probably turn out to be the greatest man you’ll ever meet because of your own crappy baggage.”

  “I know,” she says sadly. “That’s why I can’t break up with him. Because I do think he’ll probably be the greatest man I’ll ever meet, and because I keep hoping that one day I’m going to wake up and be madly in love with him.”

  “You know, Em, marriage isn’t everything we’re led to believe it is.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean we’re told it’s supposed to be this huge great overwhelming passion, and that we’re supposed to look for our soul mate, our other half, but it’s actually pretty damn mundane.”

  “Mundane?”

  Alice sighs. “Well, yes, mundane. It’s just that after a while all the excitement goes, and what you really want to be left with is someone who is a really good person and who adores you, and who you can grow old with. I know the bastards are exciting, but they don’t make good husband material. Trust me.”

  Emily doesn’t ask her how she knows. She doesn’t need to.

  “You know what, Em? Sometimes I wish I hadn’t fallen quite so head-over-heels with Joe. Sometimes I think I might have been better off with someone more like Harry.”

  “But I remember when you first got married. Okay, it might have faded a bit now, but you were so in love you could hardly see straight. I want to feel like that, I should feel like that with the man I’m going to marry.”

  Alice shakes her head. “No! That’s not what it’s about. That heady exciting stuff just blinds you to what’s real. And what’s real is Harry. I think he’s perfect for you. I think he’d make you happy, you could forge a loving and lasting union with him.”

  “But I’m bored,” Emily whispers furiously. “I’m bored, Alice. Everything’s so predictable, I never get excited by anything anymore. You can’t tell me that’s a good thing. And if you do I won’t believe you. If you were to tell me that, then I’d have to assume you made a terrible mistake in marrying the love of your life.”

  Alice is silent.

  “So?” Emily persists. “Did you make a mistake?”

  “Of course not,” Alice says quickly. “That’s ridiculous. I love Joe and he’s a wonderful husband, but men like Harry are few and far between. I just don’t want you to break up with him then spend the rest of your life regretting it.”

  “Who said anything about breaking up?”

  “It sounded like you were on the verge of shoving him out the door.”

  “No. That’s the problem. I’ve thought about it so many times, but every time I do something stops me because he is a lovely guy and, as I said”—she shrugs—“I keep hoping I’m going to fall in love with him.”

  “Do you think it was wise, to bring him here?”

  “Yup. I have a feeling this holiday may well turn out to be make-or-break.”

  “Oh, thanks.” Alice rolls her eyes. “And here was I planning a lovely, relaxing Christmas in the country, and now I discover it could be tears all round.”

  Emily laughs. “Nope, there won’t be tears. Actually we had a lovely flight, so who knows, America could be just what we need to get our relationship back on track and fall in love. Although . . .”

  “Although what?”

  “Although there kind of is . . .”

  “What?”

  Emily grimaces. “Well, the thing is I’ve kind of met . . .”

  “Oh, no.” Alice’s voice is stern. “You’ve met someone else?”

  Emily seems to shrink in acknowledgment.

  “Emily, that’s awful.”

  “It’s not as awful as it sounds. I mean, I haven’t done anything. Actually I don’t even know if he’s interested, although I think he might be. But I’ve found myself incredibly attracted to this man, and that’s what’s really set this whole thing off.”

  “But, Emily, just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you stop being attracted to other people. It’s a question of choice.”

  “For you maybe, but you’ve been married for over five years. We haven’t even reached a year, so don’t tell me it’s normal to really fancy other men.”

  Alice sighs. After all, Emily does have a point. “So who is he?”

  “He’s the new features editor at that men’s magazine I’ve been writing for.”

  “And?”

  “And we had a business lunch about three weeks ago.”

  “And that’s it? You’re questioning your relationship because of a business lunch?”

  “Well, no. I mean, yes, that’s where we met, and Alice, I swear to God I felt something unlike anything I’ve felt before.”

  “Em, I’m sure I’ve heard you say this before. In fact, I’m sure I heard you say this about Harry when you first met.”

  “No, Alice. This was different. I know it sounds crazy, but if there is such a thing as a soul mate then I think he might be it. I just had this unbelievable reaction when we looked at one another, and we were in the restaurant for hours, just talking about everything.”

  “I suppose you felt as if you’d known each other all your lives?” Alice can’t keep the cynicism out of her voice. She loves Emily but she knows her better than anyone, and knows this isn’t the first time she’s felt like this, and probably won’t be the last. And more to the point, she likes Harry, and she doesn’t want Emily to screw up what could be, what probably is, a wonderful relationship, and certainly the best relationship Alice has ever seen her in.

  “Alice!” Emily is hurt.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. So go on. You were talking about everything.”

  “Well, yes. And I did feel as if I’d known him for years.” Even as she talks her eyes start to sparkle, her voice becomes more animated. “He is just amazing. And gorgeous, Ali! I swear, he looks exactly like Ben Affleck.”

  “But I think Harry’s pretty gorgeous too.”

  “No, Colin is gorgeous.”

  Alice starts to laugh. “He’s gorgeous and his name’s Colin?”

  Emily bristles. “What’s wrong with Colin?”

  “Nothing, nothing. I just didn’t expect someone who looks exactly like Ben Affleck to be called something as, well, as ordinary as Colin.”

  “Well, he’s gorgeous, and funny, and incredibly bright, and well, just amazing really.”

  “So that’s it? You had lunch?”

  “Yes. And then a few days later I went to a preview and he was there and we spent the whole night talking.”

  “Just talking?”

  “God, yes. We were in a restaurant. But, Alice, I swear there was this amazing chemistry between us.”

  “But you promise you didn’t do anything?”

  “No. I mean, he kissed me good-bye, but no tongues or anything. Just a peck on the lips. But the lips, Alice! Don’t you think that means he likes me?”

  “Emily,” Alice says sternly, “I’m not getting into this with you. I’m not playing the game of he said this so that must mean he likes me, or he looked at me that way which must mean he thought about me all week. It’s not fair to Harry.”

  “But, Alice, you’re my best friend,” Emily groans. “I haven’t told a soul and I’ve been dying to tell someone.”

  “No, Emily. I love you but I don’t want to see you make a terrible mistake. I’ll always support you, whatever you do, but please don’t put me in a position where I have to support infidelity.”

  “But I told you, we haven’t done anything.”

  “Yet.”

  There’s a long silence while Emily digests what Alice has said. “Okay,” she says finally. “I do understand. And you’re right, it’s not fair to Harry, which is what I feel so terrible about. And anyway, I did find out that
Colin’s in a five-year relationship . . .”

  “A what?” Alice shouts.

  “Relax! Relax! Apparently he’s really unhappy and he’s tried to leave loads of times . . .”

  Alice shakes her head in dismay. “Emily, you’re old enough to know better. Someone’s going to get very hurt, and not just Harry.”

  “You’re right, you’re right. The point is that probably nothing will happen and it’s just that it’s made me remember what it’s like to be single again and to have that excitement.”

  “And that’s okay,” Alice says. “It’s okay to miss being single, just as long as you don’t do anything about it.”

  “I know, you’re right. You’re right. While we’re here I swear to you I’m going to do everything I can to give Harry my best shot, and as long as I’m with Harry I won’t do anything with Colin, okay?”

  “Not even lunch?”

  “But nothing happened at lunch!” Emily protests. “And he’s my features editor, I have to meet him.”

  “You can meet him, but not for lunch. Just meet him in the office where there are other people around. If you decide that Harry’s not going to work out and you and Harry split up then you can do whatever you want, although I have to tell you, a five-year relationship, unhappy or not, doesn’t look good.”

  “But apparently his girlfriend is a real bitch.”

  “Emily! Joe and I have been married for five years. Imagine, that could be me you’re talking about. Five years is a long time. Marriage or not, it’s a serious commitment, and Harry or no Harry, I would think very carefully before pursuing this.”

  “Okay. You’re right. If I promise to stop thinking about him, will you start being nicer to me?”

  “Oh, Emily,” Alice laughs despite her exasperation. “You know I love you even though I don’t always understand you.” She looks at her watch. “Come on. Do you still want to go and look at those bags?”

  Harry groans and half opens one eye. He has been in a deep, deep sleep, lost in a dream about pulling up endless weeds in his garden that had grown and morphed into a huge country field.

  “Come on, lazybones.” Emily is sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking him as she leans over to kiss his cheek. “Time to get up and get ready for dinner.”

  “Oh God,” Harry mumbles. “I feel like I’ve been drugged. I think I’m just going to stay here and go to sleep.”

  “And leave me as gooseberry? I don’t think so. Come on.” Emily drags the duvet off him as Harry buries his head in the pillow. “Come and have a shower with me?”

  Harry smiles. “A shower with you?” He flings his legs over the side of the bed. “Now why didn’t you say that before?”

  20

  Joe hurries into the Gramercy Tavern, is greeted with a warm smile by the hostess, and weaves his way through the tables until he reaches Alice, Emily, and Harry.

  He leans down to give first Alice a kiss, then Emily, finally extending a hand to shake Harry’s warmly as he scrapes the chair back and sits down.

  “Harry, good to see you again.”

  “Good to be here, Joe.”

  “Good journey over?”

  “Great actually.”

  “Did you fly BA?”

  “No. United. The deal was too good to pass up.”

  “So how’s life back in rainy old London?”

  Emily rolls her eyes. “Raining. And how’s life here in fabulous New York?”

  “Fabulous,” Joe echoes with a smile.

  “No, really.” Emily pushes. “Do you love it as much as Alice?”

  “I’m not sure anyone could love it quite as much as my darling wife.” He smiles affectionately at Alice. “But all in all I’d say it was a pretty good move.” He turns and signals the waiter to come over, ordering a spicy Bloody Mary before turning back to the table.

  “So what do you miss most about London?” Emily continues.

  Joe stops to think. “I miss being able to jump on a plane and hop over to Europe for the weekend.”

  “But,” Alice interjects, “we do have the Caribbean, which isn’t exactly bad.”

  “True, but it’s not quite the same thing.”

  Emily nods. “I’m afraid I have to agree with Joe there. Sorry, but you can’t compare the Caribbean to Europe. Anyway. Go on.”

  “So Europe. And obviously I miss my friends. I miss how familiar everything is in London. I’m very comfortable in New York, but I don’t know the people in the corner shops the way I do in London. I miss the television.”

  “You have to be joking!” Emily exclaims as a waiter silently drops a menu into her hands. “America has much better television. What about Frasier? And West Wing? All the best TV’s from here.”

  Joe shakes his head. “No. You think that because only the best of the best gets picked up by Britain. You wouldn’t believe the amount of crap that’s on here.”

  “Don’t you get hours and hours of those made-for-television dramas starring the Bionic Woman?” Harry grins as Alice starts to laugh.

  “I can’t believe you just said that! Twice last week I was flicking and both times I passed films starring Lindsay Wagner!” splutters Alice.

  “And was she coping with cancer or a dying husband?”

  “I didn’t watch for long enough, but there was definitely some kind of major tragedy going on. Lots of hankies and worried expressions during phone calls. Actually I had the thing on mute as I was on the phone, but more to the point”—Alice peers at Harry—“how come you know so much about dramas starring the Bionic Woman?”

  “It’s a little-known secret, but I lived in San Diego for a couple of years when I was a teenager.”

  “I didn’t know that!” Emily is shocked.

  “How come?” Alice is curious.

  Harry shrugs. “My dad’s American, and they wanted to make a go of it over here so they dragged me over when I was thirteen, but it didn’t work out. We went back to England when I was fifteen, and”—he shrugs again—“we’ve been there ever since.”

  “I was going to say you don’t have a trace of American accent.”

  “Wasn’t here long enough.”

  “But,” Alice muses, “it does explain those perfect teeth.”

  “Why, thank you.” Harry bares his teeth in a rictus. “I bet you say that to all the boys.”

  By ten o’clock Emily looks like a zombie. Harry, having managed to have a nap in the afternoon, is slightly more alert, but the fact that it is three o’clock in the morning English time, combined with the fact that the pair of them are well into their thirties, does not bode well, and Harry has to practically carry Emily out of the restaurant.

  “We’re supposed to be going to a party,” Joe whispers miserably to Alice as he heads to the corner to look for a cab.

  “Oh, shit. I forgot. But they’re in no state to go anywhere other than bed.”

  “Look, we’ll give them the keys and they can let themselves in, and you and I can go.”

  “But that’s so rude.”

  “Far ruder to have accepted an invitation and then simply not show up.”

  “Oh, come on, Joe. You know what these parties are like. There’ll be a million people there, there’s no way they’ll notice whether we’re there or not.”

  “That’s not the point,” Joe says sternly. “Alice, I know you forgot but you said we’d go, and I want you to come with me. We barely see one another anymore, you’re always in the bloody country, and the least you can do is spend time with me when you actually manage to make it into Manhattan.”

  Alice is not happy. The very last thing she wants to do is go to a superficial party filled with superficial people, but Joe is right. Although she probably didn’t spend that much more time with Joe when they lived in London, over there it was his choice: She didn’t see him because he was always working, or traveling, or canceling her at the eleventh hour.

  Now she barely sees him because she is too busy, too wrapped up in her life outside of the c
ity, and this shift of balance in their relationship makes her uncomfortable, guilty.

  Which is why she agrees to accompany Joe to the party tonight.

  The minute the cab stops outside the Hudson Alice knows she’s not going to have a good time. She can already see the place is jam-packed with beautiful people, the music’s loud, and she’d forgotten how much she hates parties.

  Joe walks in ahead of her and immediately runs into people he knows, leaning down to kiss the women, shaking the men’s hands as Alice stands behind him with a false smile, waiting to be introduced.

  “Ted, Kerry, this is my wife, Alice.”

  “Hi, how are you?” They all shake hands, Kerry with a smile that is just as false as Alice’s. A tall skinny redhead, she looks Alice up and down appraisingly, deciding that yes, Alice will pass.

  “We’ve all been waiting to meet you,” Kerry shouts into her ear above the din. “For a while we thought maybe Joe was delusional.”

  “What do you mean?” Alice shouts back into her ear.

  “I mean he kept saying he was married but no one ever saw you. We decided he must have been making you up.”

  Alice smiles. “Oh no.” She extends an arm. “Feel this. Real flesh and blood. So how do you know Joe?”

  “Oh, around and about. When you start doing the scene, you find you see the same people over and over. Joe’s just become a familiar face I guess.”

  “The scene?”

  “You know. The parties. The benefits. Just stuff.”

  Alice doesn’t know. And more to the point, she didn’t know Joe was doing “the scene” enough to have become a familiar face. How did he fit it in? Most of the time, when Alice is in the country and they speak late at night, he’s about to go to bed. At least that’s what he says.

  Alice sighs as she feels a familiar tightening of her chest, a familiar feeling that all is not so well in her world after all. She looks up at Joe, who does seem to know an awful lot of people here, and her mind races. Has he been lying? Why would he lie? Is he up to no good? Am I being oversensitive?