To Have and to Hold Page 12

  Joe blusters, becomes defensive in humiliation. “Frankly, Jacqueline, I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

  “I’m afraid it is our business, Joe,” she says gently. “When you become involved with a work colleague it involves everyone you work with, including the people who may or may not walk in on you in a meeting room.” She looks at him pointedly and Joe looks away. There’s nothing he can say.

  “We’ve discussed the various options, and the one thing we all agree on is that you are too valuable to us to let you go. Doubtless you also know, possibly better than most, why we brought Josie Mitchell to the team, and we would also be extremely reluctant to lose her.”

  “So where is this going?”

  “Do you know Simon Barnes?”

  “Vaguely. He’s in the States, isn’t he?”

  “Not for much longer. He’s coming back to London to head up the Investor Client Group. I can’t express enough how under normal circumstances this would result in instant dismissal. However, because of the revenue you have brought in and your importance to the firm, we would like to send you out to the States on a three-year contract as his replacement.”

  Richard chooses this moment to interject. “Joe, all things considered, I think it’s an extremely generous offer, not to mention an interesting move for you, and one that may in fact work out very well for you. We feel you’ve accomplished great things in Europe, and I, for one, will be sorry to see you leave the team, but we’d like you to change your focus away from banking and toward capital markets. We want you to head up the Americas Issuer Client Group, to look at bringing in some serious new issue and derivatives business in the Americas, including South America.”

  “No.” Joe shakes his head. “I’m sorry, but my life is here. I’m extremely unhappy about this, not to mention humiliated at the way you’ve chosen to deal with it. I accept what you say about relationships at work, and I would be more than happy to terminate my friendship with Josie Mitchell, but a move to America is not acceptable to me. I’ve brought in nineteen million dollars already this year, and I’m extremely happy in my position. I feel there’s still far more revenue I can bring in, and I’d like to be given a second chance.”

  Joe speaks with a confidence and an assurance he doesn’t feel, but it’s the only way he can mask his deep humiliation and shock. It’s one thing to have an affair, but quite another to be caught.

  Of course relocation isn’t a possibility. His home is here, his wife, his life. He has no intention of moving anywhere, and his only regret is that he may have to give up Josie. Either that or be far more careful in the future. It’s his own bloody fault, he berates himself. Josie was right, what was he thinking of, having sex in the office? They were bound to get caught, and he can’t believe, sitting here, that he could ever have found that prospect the slightest bit exciting.

  And more to the point, what can he possibly tell Alice?

  “We are fully aware of the amount of revenue you’ve brought in,” Richard says firmly. “Which is why we believe you’re the right person to take over from Simon Barnes. We need someone dynamic and motivated to take the team forward.”

  “I appreciate what you’re saying, Richard, and I’m flattered that you think that. However, I have to reiterate that I would be extremely unwilling to relocate. Quite apart from anything else, you’re aware that I’m working with two continental drug companies at the moment, and it looks like the combined deals will bring in an additional twenty million.”

  “We know, and we’re very pleased with the relationships you’ve built up on the continent, and not to repeat myself that’s exactly why we want to send you to America.”

  Jacqueline speaks quietly and authoritatively. “Joe,” she says. “I’m afraid you have no choice.”

  “Ah.” Joe leans back in his chair and exhales. Shit. What is he going to say to Alice?

  “And may I ask the time frame of this decision that it appears I have no control over?”

  “We’d like you to take the remainder of this week to organize everything. We are aware that you will have things to take care of, but we would like you to start in the Manhattan offices on the ninth of July.”

  “But that’s in a week and a half! You have to be joking!” Joe gasps.

  “I’m afraid not.”

  “How am I supposed to organize everything in less than two weeks?”

  “HR will do everything we can to assist you. We know you’re . . .” Jacqueline tries to suppress her distaste at this situation with a cough “. . . married. The firm will provide roughly two months’ accommodation in a hotel—you already know the Godfrey-approved hotels—and we’ll arrange for someone to help your wife organize everything at this end, including the packing, naturally. We would suggest you arrange for your wife to join you as soon as possible to start looking for a home. Gayle Messler is our preferred relocation agent, and she’s expecting your call. You will naturally get the full expat allowance for three years.” Jacqueline pauses and checks her watch. “I’m afraid I’m expected at another meeting. Steven will be able to answer any questions that you have. Thank you for your time, Joe, and good luck.” She shakes Joe’s hand, while he remains speechless in shock.

  Richard stands up as well. “I’ll call you at home later,” he says. “We’ll talk about it then.” And he too disappears out of the door.

  Joe takes the lift back down to his floor, still in shock, but armed with a sheaf of papers Steven has given him. There is his formal job description, details of his new, increased salary, his monthly housing allowance, healthcare insurance, various other minor benefits, and the contact numbers for the relocation agent.

  He sees Josie sitting at her desk, and as soon as he sits down a message appears on his screen. “Ready?”

  “Something’s come up. Will have to go home. Meet me at the café in five.”

  “I don’t fucking believe it!” Josie’s in a fury. “What business is it of theirs what we do? How dare they relocate you, and how dare they not involve me in this?”

  Joe sighs and puts a hand on her arm to placate her. “Josie, it’s so much better this way. I agree, it stinks, but it’s much better you don’t get involved. I have to go, I don’t have much choice.”

  Josie sits and thinks for a while. “You do have a choice, you know. You could always get another job.”

  “I know. I’ve thought about that. But I don’t want to have to start proving myself all over again. I’ve established a good reputation here, and my bonus is virtually guaranteed. Even though the last thing I want to do is leave the country, and leave you, I have to.”

  Josie doesn’t say anything for a while. She tries to digest what Joe is telling her, tries not to let her true feelings show on her face. She thought she could handle this, thought that Joe would be just an affair that wouldn’t mean anything, but now, sitting in front of him, hearing that he’s leaving, she knows she’s been fooling herself all along.

  She had never planned on falling for him. God, she of all people was cynical enough to know what happens when you get involved with married men, but the longer she continues seeing him, the more involved she feels.

  The only person who knew, up until—she thinks with horror—last Friday, was Al. And Al had been warning her for months, had told her that not only was it unbelievably dangerous to get involved with a colleague, but this was a colleague who was married.

  “This is going to end in tears,” he said repeatedly, when she first entrusted him with the information. “I don’t like the sound of this at all.”

  After a few weeks she had stopped mentioning Joe, and Al stopped asking. The friendship they had didn’t really allow for relationships, and certainly not ones of which one of them disapproved.

  Plus Josie was becoming aware that she didn’t want this to end. That the more she saw Joe, the more she wanted to see him. That she had started thinking about him when she wasn’t with him, that every time he swung his legs out of bed to go back
to his wife she started to feel slightly sick inside.

  Most of all, Josie had started to think about Alice. She knew Joe wasn’t happy, and half entertained the fantasy that he would eventually leave Alice, would move into Josie’s apartment, and live happily ever after.

  She had started to hate Alice. Alice who seemed so irrelevant in the beginning, who had nothing to do with Josie, with the relationship she had with Joe. And yet over the last few months Alice had grown into this mythical, hateful figure, this Medusa who had cast a spell over Joe, a spell that always brought him running back home.

  She was careful never to say anything to Joe, and hated herself for even entertaining the thought that he and Alice might break up, for being that much of a cliché. The more she got to know Joe, the more she could see that the minute she stopped being a challenge, the minute she became the slightest bit needy, or demanding, he would be bored and would move on.

  And so, even as she was falling for him, she made herself as unobtainable and interesting as possible. Of course it was hard, particularly when she wanted to see him all the time, and it wasn’t so much that she was physically unobtainable—when Joe wanted to see her she almost always said yes—but that she was emotionally unobtainable, impenetrable. She kept Joe guessing, knowing that was the only way to hold his interest.

  It had worked, thus far. And now here he is, sitting opposite her at Ponti’s near Liverpool Street Station, telling her he’s moving to another country and she may never see him again.

  Immediately a vision of her life as it was before she met Joe flashes into her mind. The ready-cooked microwaveable meals, the bottles of wine she drank on her own, the mindless television she’d watch in bed before falling asleep knowing that the next day, and the day after, and all the days stretching ahead of that would be exactly the same.

  Nothing to look forward to, nothing to dream about, nothing to grow excited about or plan for, only the monotony of work, eating, and sleeping. A monotony broken only by the occasional nights out with Al, which, while pleasant, were hardly anything to look forward to.

  Joe has given her something to look forward to. She would never be as dramatic as to say that Joe had given her a reason for living, but he had certainly made her life more interesting, had provided her with hours of colorful fantasy, not to mention hours of colorful reality.

  Al would say there would be other Joes, preferably available ones, ones who might actually have long-term prospects, but Josie knows this wasn’t necessarily the case. She knows because it had been eighteen months before Joe, and she knows because there was nobody else in whom she had the slightest interest.

  The other thing she knows is that however hard it is to hear that Joe is going away, however much she dreads him leaving, however hard she may have fallen for him, she is not going to let him know.

  “So when are you going?” she says finally, a false brightness in her voice.

  “A week and a half. They’ve given me next week off to sort things out.” Joe sighs again and runs his fingers through his hair, reaching across the table to take Josie’s hand. He looks down at her fingers as he entwines them through his own, rubbing her hand gently with his thumb. “I’m going to miss you, Jose,” he whispers, not raising his eyes from their hands.

  Josie’s heart skips. She remains silent.

  “What am I going to do without you?” he says.

  “You’ll find another Josie,” she says, with a smile masking her true feelings.

  “Josie! How can you even say that?” He withdraws his hand in genuine hurt, but Josie merely shrugs.

  “Joe, you and I both knew this wasn’t going to last. You’re married, for God’s sake. It’s a miracle we’ve even managed to survive this long. You love your wife, you’re not going to leave her, and you need to be with her.” Even as she says this she’s praying Joe will refute it, will tell her that she’s wrong, that he’s realized he is now in love with her and is planning on leaving his wife.

  But there is silence as Joe listens to what Josie is saying. “I’ll still miss you,” he says. “The past few months have been, well, wonderful. Really. You’re wonderful. And you deserve someone incredibly special, someone who will be able to take care of you properly.”

  “Someone who isn’t married,” Josie says, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice, for what he has just said is tantamount to him saying, “It’s over. I don’t want you anymore.”

  “Yes,” Joe says gently, surprised that she seems genuinely hurt. “Someone who isn’t married. At risk of saying something incredibly clichéd, you really do deserve someone better than me. I wish I’d met you years ago. I wish you and I could be together, but now it’s too late. Maybe this is the best thing that can happen. Maybe this is God’s way of saying I need to commit to my marriage, need to stop looking outside it for things to make me happy.”

  “So is this it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Will I see you again before you go?”

  Joe looks shocked. “God, of course! I mean, I have to go home now, I have to tell Alice. Shit, what the hell am I going to tell Alice? Oh God. Anyway, I’m at home the rest of the week, maybe we can have lunch or something?”

  Lunch. He really didn’t have to say anything more.

  “Joe.” She takes a deep breath and smiles sadly. “I think maybe it’s better if we say good-bye now. You’re going to have so much to do, and I’ll be at work, and it’s easier if we stop pretending that we’re going to have a final fling before you leave. This is the right time to say good-bye.”

  They gather their things and walk outside, standing on the pavement for a few minutes as each of them tries to think of the right way to say it.

  Eventually they look up and catch each other’s eye, and within a split second they are hugging tightly.

  “Thank you,” Joe whispers into Josie’s ear as she blinks her eyes furiously over his shoulder, trying to get rid of the tears. “You’re an amazing woman. I’ll miss you.”

  “Go on.” She disengages herself, looking at the pavement so he doesn’t see her eyes brimming. “Take care.” And she turns on her heel and walks off down the street, a tear slowly making its way down her left cheek.

  Joe stands and watches until she disappears around the corner. This doesn’t feel real. Nothing about this afternoon feels real. How is it possible that he is standing here, in the City, in London, about to go home to his house in Belgravia, and next week his entire world will have changed?

  He pulls his mobile phone out of his pocket and clips the earpiece on to the lapel of his jacket as he sets off to the tube station. The machine picks up, and Joe takes a deep breath. “Hi, darling. Good news, the meeting has been canceled so I’m on my way home. And, Ali, there’s something we need to talk about when I get home. Make sure you’re there.”

  “What? I don’t understand. Tell me again?”

  Joe starts at the beginning again. Simon Barnes is transferring to London and they need a replacement, and Joe has been asked to move over to America to fill the position.

  “But that’s ridiculous,” Alice keeps saying. “They can’t expect us to pack up and leave in less than two weeks. And why is this happening so quickly? Don’t you have a choice? Couldn’t you say no?”

  Joe is silent, guilty and uncomfortable. He can barely look her in the eye.

  “Joe? I can’t just walk away from my life here. We have nowhere to live there, and how am I supposed to get everything done by myself? It’s just ridiculous. Plus I don’t want to live in New York. God, London’s bad enough, but at least I have a few friends here. I want you to say no, Joe. I don’t want to go.”

  “I can’t say no. I’ve already said yes. And I have to go in less than two weeks. You’re not expected to join me until you’re packed up here, and they’re organizing for someone to help you move. You don’t have to come until you’re ready.”

  “Oh, great. Well, that makes it so much better. And what do you mean, you have
to go? Do you mean you’ve said yes without speaking to me? Thanks, Joe, thanks a lot.” Alice starts shouting before taking a deep breath. “Tell them you’ve changed your mind.”

  Joe shakes his head. He doesn’t know how to explain there is no going back, he can’t get out of this. New York. Something shifts in his head. A way forward. A way to make Alice happy.

  “We don’t necessarily have to live in Manhattan,” he says.

  “What do you mean?”

  “They’re offering me a huge monthly housing allowance. We could get an apartment in Manhattan and a place in the country.” He sees the spark of interest in Alice’s eye. “Maybe Vermont, or Connecticut somewhere. Go out there every weekend. Maybe somewhere on a lake or by the beach.”

  Alice doesn’t say anything for a while. Connecticut. The country. What she’s always wanted. “You’re not just saying that to make me say yes?”

  “Of course not. Alice, darling.” He puts his arms around her and hugs her. “Think about it. This could be the fresh start we need. I know you don’t want to live in Manhattan, but you’ve always wanted to live in the country and we really could afford it. I think we’ll be happy there. I think you’ll be happy there.”

  “I don’t know,” she mumbles, pictures of a Vermont farmhouse flashing through her mind. “Maybe I’d be willing to try it for a while. A fresh start. Maybe you’re right.”

  “Of course I’m right,” Joe says, thinking suddenly that perhaps he is. Perhaps this is what they need, a fresh start in a new country. No more affairs, no more messing around. Time to fall in love with one another all over again. He pushes the memory of Josie out of his head, and determines to make a go of it this time.

  “I love you,” Alice says, eyes filled with a mixture of apprehension, hope, and happiness.

  “I know, darling. I love you too.” He puts his arms around her and hugs her close. It’s been a while since they hugged like this. The feel of her, the smell of her is so familiar. He breathes in deeply and kisses her neck, moves around to find her mouth waiting for his.